OK - so this has not been the best of times for me.
Seems as if I bend over backward to please everyone - and obviously - the end result is I get fucked by everyone and not in a good way.
Here is what happened - Steve and I were having sex - and it was good - afterward we were talking about perfect sex and all that - and I started telling him about some of my ideas - and he said I was twisted - not in the good way - he was really saying I was sick - and I was telling him that I wanted more then just guy on guy sex - but that is all that he is into - and he said that I was growing apart from him for a while - and then I kicked him out of the house.
So yeseterday I went up to Indianapolis with my mom - she was asking also what was wrong (I was being sort of mopey), and I told her that Steve and I had a fight. So if that was not hard enough - she goes off and says that I am going to the devil because she was sure that I had had sex with him and male on male sex was against god’s law - and I said to her - “would you love me anyway?” and she said no - that god would not love me and that she would always be there for me - but she could not love me as fully as if I was doing what god wanted me to do. To tell you the truth I was balling on the inside, but I did not want to show how much I was crushed.
All the time I was thinking if she only know how much I jerked off to porn and the like - and to what - she would FREAK if she know that I have been having sex with Steve and David since we were 14
Last year (well this year 2011) I had Sarah - the only girl I have dated, My mom told Sarah in confidence that she was glad that I was dating girls because she was thinking I might be gay. How is that? I did not get that upset at the time, because things were good - Mom and I were getting alone, Sarah was in my life, and things were all on the PLUS side of things.
Sarah didn’t say anything - but Sarah watched me and Steve and David a whole bunch of times (yes - having sex)- she sort of got off on watching us. The guys knew then that I wanted to have sex with a girl - though I was the only one that fucked Sarah - the guys were starting to pull away from me then - Dave honestly only sucked me and me him once since I broke up with Sarah - which was at the beginning of summer — So - now Sarah is no longer with me - she didn’t like her parents bad talking me - but did not stand up for me - so she is gone.
Dave has been gone - and now Steve is gone —
As you can see - I haven’t really gotten mom’s love either — (though hers would never by physical) I don’t know - I just can’t stop beating my meat — I can’t stop thinking about all the kinky things. My idea woman (yes woman) would be someone that was thicker - big boobed - but self confident - that is the most important part - and someone that could accept me - not just LOVE me - but love me too - physically - spiritually - all the different ways you could think of.
I can’t stop from tearing myself up for not being NORMAL - but also wanting to be just the sexual person I know I am meant to be.
I don’t want to be a fag — but I am good at sucking cock - this I know - I want to suck big breasts - so fucking bad — I want to fuck and make love with a passion and have that person love me back - unconditionally — I just seem to be dumped on by everyone —
So sorry for being a jerk
